I Am Lurch

This is a funny little version of Dr. Suess' Green Eggs and Ham.

I am Lurch.
I am Lurch.

From the Church.

That Brother Lurch!
That Brother Lurch!
I do not like
That Brother Lurch!

Do you like the Mormon Church?

I do not like the Mormon Church.
I do not like it, Brother Lurch.

Would you read
the Book of Mormon
Here or there?

I would not read it
Here or there.
I would not read it
Anywhere.

I do not like the Mormon Church.
I do not like it, Brother Lurch.

I'll have the Elders
At my house.
You could come over,
With your spouse.

I will not go
Into your house.
I will not let you
Teach my spouse.
I won't read your book
Here or there.
I will not read it
Anywhere.
I do not like the Mormon Church.
I do not like it, Brother Lurch.

We can talk about it
In this box,
With our latest convert,
Brother Fox.

I won't discuss it in a box.
I will not meet with Brother Fox.
You won't indoctrinate my spouse,
So don't invite us to your house.
I won't read your book here or there.
I will not read it anywhere.
I do not like the Mormon Church.
I do not like it, Brother Lurch.

I'll come and get you
In my car!
We'll go to church
It's not too far.

I would not,
Could not
In your car.

You may like it.
You may see,
We'll talk about Joseph Smith
or Genealogy.

I could not do genealogy,
Not Joseph Smith,
Lurch let me be!

Not in a box,
Not with a Fox,
Not in your house,
Not with my spouse,
I won't read your book here or there,
I will not read it anywhere.
I do not like the Mormon Church.
I do not like it, Brother Lurch.

A train! A train!
A train! A train!
We could go to Utah
On a train!

Not in a train! Not genealogy!
Not in your car! Lurch, let me be!
I won't discuss it in a box.
I will not meet with Brother Fox.
You will not get me or my spouse
To set one foot inside your house.
I won't read your book here or there.
I will not read it anywhere.
I do not like the Mormon Church.
I do not like it Brother Lurch.

Say! In the dark?
We can teach you stories
About Christ or Noah's Ark!

I would not, could not
In the dark.

You'll have to give up
your champagne.

There's nothing wrong with my champagne.
I'll need some when I get off this train.
Not Joseph Smith. Not genealogy.
I do not like them Lurch you see.
Not in your house, not in a box,
Not with my spouse or Brother Fox.
I will not read your book here or there.
I will not read it anywhere.

I do not like it
Brother Lurch.
I do not like the Mormon Church!

Maybe you think
Mormons are weird.

Were you told we have
Horns and a beard?

Mormons have parties
With snacks and Root Beer.
You shouldn't believe
Everything that you hear.

You know, I kind of like Root Beer.
And parties are not all that queer.
I think I'll give up my champagne,
I hear that stuff can melt your brain.
But no more cigarettes or tea?
I cannot do that! Can't you see?
I won't discuss it in a box.
I will not meet with Brother Fox.
I will not come into your house,
And keep your distance from my spouse.
I won't read your book here or there.
I will not read it anywhere!
I do not like it Brother Lurch,
I do not like the Mormon Church.

You do not like it,
So you say.
Try it! And you may
I say.

Say!
I like the Mormon church!
I do! I like it, Brother Lurch!
And I'll invite my friends to hear,
And teach them all to love Root Beer.

I'll throw away all my champagne,
And head for Utah on a train.
I'll do my genealogy,
It is so fun, so fun, you see!

We'll go discuss it in a box.
I'd like to meet your Brother Fox.
And you can take me to your house,
And have the Elders teach my spouse.
I'll read the scriptures here and there,
And convert my friends everywhere.

I do like the Mormon church!
Please Baptize me, Brother Lurch!.

Author Unknown.